Moving On...

So, I think it's about that time. It's been a little over 3 months.
I've decided that I think that I want to start again. It's scary.
When I told him...and left him...I cried. It's hard. I'll always
wonder if we could have made it. It's sad. I still miss being with him.
It's exciting. Maybe I'll find someone who wants to woo me. :-)
It's gonna be ok. That is the one thing that I know for sure.
I WILL BE OK!!!

Weekend.

I'm going home for the weekend.

I have to work from 3:15-7:15 and then I am heading to Tulsa.

I'm super excited...wanna know why?!?!

I GET TO SEE HANSON ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!

Oh, I got a new haircut...

I'm not happy.

I try to be. Really I do. It's just not easy at the moment.
I think about school starting back up. About living the "hillsdale"
life for one more year. It seems so silly. I think about actually having
a job and making money. It seems so dull. I think about hanging out
with my friends more. It seems too hard. I think about NEVER getting to
see my family. That just makes me sad.
I try to consider moving on. I get scared. I cry. I get angry. I yell. I cry more.
I don't want to move on. I want to feel his love again. I just don't understand how
I could have been SO wrong about everything. How after nearly a year things just
ended so quickly. It baffles me. It saddens me. I hate it.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm trying to figure all that out again but I
just come back to this feeling of wanting to be who I was when I was with him.

I'm trying really hard to be happy. It's just not easy. My heart hurts.

Impressions.

This is a list of people that I have met at or through Hillsdale over the past 3 years that have made a lasting impact on my life, heart and soul.

(In alphabetical order).

Andrew Brooks-I wasn't close to Andrew but his life and his death have impacted me greatly. I can't explain the things that I have learned from him through this tragic ordeal that we have all had to deal with. I'll never forget this kid.
Bethany-She quickly became my best friend. I love her for so many reasons.
Bob-He became my Hillsdale dad.
Christa-She makes me giggle. She also sings like a little angel.
Colin-This Canadian has helped me out a lot. He's fixed my car numerous times, fixed my faucet and put in new flooring in my apartment. Thanks Colin!
Dan-He's been a shoulder, an ear and a friend for quite some time now. I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world.
Dakotah-We have a crazy amount of stuff in common. He understands all of my strange quirks.
Denny-Out of all the classes I've taken at HC I remember his Apologetics class most vividly.
Eric-This guy just makes me smile. He's awesome. BFF.
Heather-I met her through Bethany. She makes me LAUGH!
James-James...we connected from the very second we met. A half a summer of hanging out felt like a lifetime of friendship.
Josiah-I found the love of my life. Finally. He's patient and loyal and I can't believe he puts up with me. He is also VERY talented and SUPPORTIVE.
Kelly-She was the best lab partner I ever had. I very much admire her honesty.
Lyndsey-We started out friends...became (almost) enemies...and now she's one of my best friends and my soon-to-be roomie!
Michelle-This little lady is one of the strongest women I know. I admire her strength.
Mike-Mike Dee is a very talented dude. He has touched my heart with his talent that he uses for God's glory.
The Myers Family-Kenny, Gina, Anna, Allie and Aubrey. This family is my favorite. I miss them all!
Rocky-This guy is very talented. We traveled for a couple of months together in New Life and built a friendship. He's great!
Ryan-Oh Ryan. We've traveled together for 6 semesters and a summer (about to be 2 summers). I love him and his family AND his church family dearly.
Sammie-Sammie was my small group leader my last semester at Hillsdale. She is one of the sweetest women I've ever met.
Sarah-I connected w/ Sarah during small group one day. She was struggling with some of the same issues that I was. Missing home and family.
Taylor-Taylor and I grew apart...but he still impacted my life. He still has a special spot in my heart.
Troy-Though we haven't seen one another in over 2 years he still remains a good friend.



I'll probably end up adding more people to this list. It's late and I can't think clearly.
To all those that read this...I love you all. Thank you for all that you have done for me
over these past couple of years. I wouldn't change a minute of my time at Hillsdale. I've
learned a lot from all of you. Each one of you have made a lasting impression on my life for different reasons. I will never forget any of you.

What To Write...

I'm not certain as to what I am going to say at the moment...

I'll just begin to type and see what comes of it.

I am ready. I'm ready for anything and everything that comes my way. I used to worry so much about what my future held. All that worry never got me anywhere. I was so fixated on trying to plan my life out that I never even stopped to enjoy the things that life had to offer. I rarely stopped to bask in the warm glow of the sunshine. I hardly ever just let myself stop and reflect on the day. I never even really enjoyed the small amounts of time that I spent with the people I loved.

When I was younger I used to read a lot. I ALWAYS had a book in my hands or rather I had my nose stuck in a book. I dreamt of being like the characters in my books. I wanted so badly to be different. I didn't want to be...me. I got swept away in all the romance and glamour of the story that when I would put the book down...I hated living my life.

I've since come to find that I have a pretty fantastic life. I have a GOD that sent His only Son to die for my sins. I have a family that, for the most part, supports me no matter what. I have the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. My boyfriend is awesome :) My school, no matter how flawed, has helped to shape me into the woman that I am today. Not much to complain about.

I don't know. I still sometimes look back on my past and regret some things. I regret giving into satan's stupid tricks. I regret not dealing with my depression sooner than I did. I regret not being able to tell my papa that I loved him once more before he passed away. But all of my regrets do not outweigh my positive outlook on the future. I'm starting to realize that I am growing. No matter if I want to or not. I am gearing up for whatever it may be that God has in store for me. Big changes are going to come about and you know what??? I am ready!!!