I'm not happy.

I try to be. Really I do. It's just not easy at the moment.
I think about school starting back up. About living the "hillsdale"
life for one more year. It seems so silly. I think about actually having
a job and making money. It seems so dull. I think about hanging out
with my friends more. It seems too hard. I think about NEVER getting to
see my family. That just makes me sad.
I try to consider moving on. I get scared. I cry. I get angry. I yell. I cry more.
I don't want to move on. I want to feel his love again. I just don't understand how
I could have been SO wrong about everything. How after nearly a year things just
ended so quickly. It baffles me. It saddens me. I hate it.
I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm trying to figure all that out again but I
just come back to this feeling of wanting to be who I was when I was with him.

I'm trying really hard to be happy. It's just not easy. My heart hurts.